apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I smell like Dick and happiness
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