My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
