Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
