connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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