As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
