I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
