guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
