Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
