Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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