I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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