i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
