My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
