I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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