i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
