I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
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