Umm I'm too high to move.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
