I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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