Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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