How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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