I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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