My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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