Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
