Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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