I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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