so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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