I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
