Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
