When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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