Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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