I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
