Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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