Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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