I cockslap morals
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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