Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
