the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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