Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
