just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
