thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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