After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
last night I used snow as a chaser
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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