batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
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