I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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