someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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