6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
