Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
