also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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