i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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