We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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