i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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