can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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