are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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