3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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