Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
