i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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