I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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