Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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