It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
