I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
