I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
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I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
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Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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