I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
