There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
