New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
