Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
