i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
