Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
