dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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