why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
